Naked Shimmer
Uncategorized October 19th. 2010, 9:59pmNaked Shimmer
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Poem help?
I would like someone to read my poem and help me with the set-up and grammar. I'm kinda new at this and just want it to be correct so people can understand and read it. Any English majors, teachers or writers that would like to critique would be most appreciated.
The Silhouette
The naked silhouette shimmered as shards of glass chiseled unto her form,
her screams never heard
Dead.
Suffering no more.
See the painting created
an interpretation so surreal?
The beautiful silhouette a canvas for a love the Artist didn't feel.
If only she could of been a masterpiece
DaVinci's brush stroking softly on her form
her silhouette would of shimmered with color
not shards of glass, pain and scorn.
A masterpiece she wasn't
not an impressionism, Romanticism or neo-classism art form
Just a colorless silhouette.
Dead.
On a canvas that was torn.
I think this is a good beginning. I particularly like:
If only she could have been a masterpiece
DaVinci's brush stroking softly on her form
her silhouette shimmering with color--
not shards of glass
I changed the could of to could have and then wondered if you might even consider "were" which indicates a condition contrary to fact, which seems to be what you mean.
Also shimmering suggests motion and so does glittering,so I changed that so you might see what it would sound like.
Try to avoid doctrine words like impressionism, Romanticism or neo-classism. Make us experience what you mean. Don't tell us; show us.
Here is a question: What effect does the shards of glass have on the silhouette, on a canvas that was torn? The first line is great but the next two are prose--newspaper article talk.
It would strengthen the poem to start with a more defined image.
I see talent. the beginnings of a strong poem! Congrads!
Urban Decay Naked Palette soft shimmer eyes
